I really let myself down on Monday night (Nov 25th).
Arguably I'd let myself down a number of times throughout the day - snoozing in the bath first thing in the morning when I should have been powering through this first task of the day to help get the kids to school on time; forgetting to take my shoes to change into at work and ending up wearing trainers with shirt and trousers; picking up a can of fizzy drink on the way home that I didn't need or truthfully enjoyed - succeeding only in bringing forward the inevitable unarranged overdraft alert text that seems to be arriving earlier and earlier after pay day.
But all these things paled into insignificance around 9:40 that night, when I Joined The Debate.
BBC Sport are forever getting you to Join The Debate, and though I've maintained enough pride to resist calling up the modern day version of 606 (Contrary to perceived wisdom, 606 did actually exist before the Premier League, and much like Division One, Danny Baker's variation was superior in my humble), I succumbed to the live internet feed of Aston Villa versus Newcastle United. In my defence, I didn't directly Join The Debate, like I nearly did on TalkSport FM the day Andy Gray was exposed by Sky for dubious 'off-air' bantz with female staff members (Gender specific sexual misconduct did actually exist before #MeToo) and would have tarred my reputation for good had I stayed on the line. No, my text remark during AVFC v NUFC was aimed at the chap running the live feed, in short requesting that he refrain from using the term "on comms", a la Dion Dublin, when referring to the radio commentary on Five Live.
My text sadly contained a spelling mistake, which prompted my follow up text sheepishly mocking my qualification to judge. My misery was compounded at around 9:47 when the chap running the feed referred to "on comms" again, clearly to wind me up. I congratulated him on this mickey-taking and left it there, hoping at least that I'd triggered a spot of self-analysis on his part.
The only reason I was tuning in to the live feed was because I have two Aston Villa players in separate Fantasy Football teams this season. Much like Baker's Saturday evening 606 show, fantasy football was fun when it didn't involve me, first when it was aired on Sunday mornings on Radio 5 hosted by Ross King in 92-93 (?) and then elevated to night time viewing in Frank Skinner and David Baddiel's mock-up flat the following season.
As much as there is enjoyment to be had from being an FF manager, there is also an "on comms" type discomfort about it, far beyond cheering the goals of players you shouldn't cheer, such as Frank Lampard's late winner for Chelsea at home to Bolton a few years ago (Only Chelsea fans should be thrilled about such things). There's also the hurtful reality of your indignity and moral bankruptcy coming to the fore such as at The Emirates in December 2012 when Michu of Swansea was bearing down on our goal in injury time for 2-0 and, amid the booing and outrage around me, came the recognition that the Spaniard had just earned me 10 points alone that Gameweek.
Perhaps most guiltily for me, is the compliance in a culture that allows American terminology to thrive. When I was growing up in the eighties, footballers, even ones like me in my playmaker role for my Dad's junior team, 'set goals up'. Commentator (in commentary) Alan Parry spoke of Kenny Dalglish as the "creator supreme" after setting a goal up for Ian Rush against Watford. Back then, players set up goals or created them, sometimes "laid it on". Now though, Trent Alexander Arnold is called the "King of Assists". In those halcyon days, "assists" was a term used by Americans to define the value of a soccer player in the North American Soccer League. Now "Assists" is famed language in FF and on telly.
I'm not anti-American but do believe we should stick to our roots. One should be encouraged to speak openly about national identity without danger of promoting nationalism, and I never appreciated Steven Gerrard describing his selection just in front of England's back four as a "quarterback role". But then I don't like people endlessly going on about "pressing" either or "the press", which comes from European football. Contrary to popular belief, "closing down" existed before "pressing". George Graham brought "closing down" to Arsenal when he first arrived, or at least more of it, the only 'press' was those watching it happen from behind typewriters, or word processors, whichever existed before the Premier League.
Saturday, 30 November 2019
Monday, 18 November 2019
The commentators’ cultural curse
Many thousands of years ago, a week and a bit before the beginning of this November's international break, a Champions' League infringement took place that has, until now, been overlooked.
The incident took place in Borussia Dortmund's Signul Iduna Park, just five minutes into the hosts' game against Inter Milan in Group Z of the, some say, inflated competition. UEFA had arranged the game, organising a ref and everything, but no, it is not them responsible for the misdemeanour that has only just now, a little belatedly, come to light.
Some time past the eve of those five minutes, Inter Milan's Argentinian striker, Lautaro Martinez, blitzed his way through the Dortmund defence and slammed his shot past Roman Burki to open the scoring. Up until this moment, the biggest blot on the commentators' network when describing a goal against a German team came 20 years ago when Clive Tyldesley, reacting to a far later strike, ruthlessly, scandalously and with much mock, inquired after the disappearance of Bayern Munich's back line while desperately hoping no one had heard or could remember Barry Davies' almost exact words from the 1988 Olympic Hockey Final between England and West Germany.
Until this moment.
With the net still rippling from Martinez's crack, BT Sport's BBC words man, Guy Mowbray, tried to take the heat off C to the T with a remark allegedly linking the heritage of the goalscorer with the hot form he is currently in.
"He's smokin!", Mowbray announced, using the goal just scored as evidence.
Guy knows what he's done, but is failing to admit it. "He's smokin!" is not the normal response of a commentator to a goal, or indeed of any sane, rational human being to any instance of excellence. He could argue that he was just trying to engage with the 'kidz' by referencing 25 year old film The Mask, but the cold hard facts are that Martinez is from Argentina, and Argentinians, like Cesar Luis Menotti for example, are known for smoking a lot.
Mowbs', if say, interviewed by fellow BBC observer, Emily Maitlis, might claim that Argentinians have an illusionary effect on him, such as was apparent in the World Cup of 2018 when the selection of the South Americans' full back, Mercado, sent him into a sweaty or not tailspin that humiliatingly resulted in a stream of toy-car related "jokes" only marginally less awkward than a member of the aristocracy being caught bantzy-ing around with a famous criminal.
But Mowbs' has previous, having once mimicked the American accent of former Sunderland player, Jozy Altidore, going full "Oh my Gad!" when catching his dugout response to a goal by Sergio Aguero (admittedly another Argentinian... ok, maybe Mowbs' isn't entirely fibbing).
I myself cannot declare whiter than whiteness, for a start I subconsciously used the term "blitzed" in the lead up to describing Martinez's goal against Germans, but while I hold my hands up (Maradona) to that one, the "smokin!" Argentinian stereotype, triggered or otherwise, can only ever be an unforgivable, regrettable, mis-steak.
The incident took place in Borussia Dortmund's Signul Iduna Park, just five minutes into the hosts' game against Inter Milan in Group Z of the, some say, inflated competition. UEFA had arranged the game, organising a ref and everything, but no, it is not them responsible for the misdemeanour that has only just now, a little belatedly, come to light.
Some time past the eve of those five minutes, Inter Milan's Argentinian striker, Lautaro Martinez, blitzed his way through the Dortmund defence and slammed his shot past Roman Burki to open the scoring. Up until this moment, the biggest blot on the commentators' network when describing a goal against a German team came 20 years ago when Clive Tyldesley, reacting to a far later strike, ruthlessly, scandalously and with much mock, inquired after the disappearance of Bayern Munich's back line while desperately hoping no one had heard or could remember Barry Davies' almost exact words from the 1988 Olympic Hockey Final between England and West Germany.
Until this moment.
With the net still rippling from Martinez's crack, BT Sport's BBC words man, Guy Mowbray, tried to take the heat off C to the T with a remark allegedly linking the heritage of the goalscorer with the hot form he is currently in.
"He's smokin!", Mowbray announced, using the goal just scored as evidence.
Guy knows what he's done, but is failing to admit it. "He's smokin!" is not the normal response of a commentator to a goal, or indeed of any sane, rational human being to any instance of excellence. He could argue that he was just trying to engage with the 'kidz' by referencing 25 year old film The Mask, but the cold hard facts are that Martinez is from Argentina, and Argentinians, like Cesar Luis Menotti for example, are known for smoking a lot.
Mowbs', if say, interviewed by fellow BBC observer, Emily Maitlis, might claim that Argentinians have an illusionary effect on him, such as was apparent in the World Cup of 2018 when the selection of the South Americans' full back, Mercado, sent him into a sweaty or not tailspin that humiliatingly resulted in a stream of toy-car related "jokes" only marginally less awkward than a member of the aristocracy being caught bantzy-ing around with a famous criminal.
But Mowbs' has previous, having once mimicked the American accent of former Sunderland player, Jozy Altidore, going full "Oh my Gad!" when catching his dugout response to a goal by Sergio Aguero (admittedly another Argentinian... ok, maybe Mowbs' isn't entirely fibbing).
I myself cannot declare whiter than whiteness, for a start I subconsciously used the term "blitzed" in the lead up to describing Martinez's goal against Germans, but while I hold my hands up (Maradona) to that one, the "smokin!" Argentinian stereotype, triggered or otherwise, can only ever be an unforgivable, regrettable, mis-steak.
Tuesday, 12 November 2019
VAR-crime on the rise in 'what goes around comes around' culture
In his previous occupation as a football manager, betting promoter Harry Redknapp used to dismiss the notion of video technology to govern debatable incidents on the pitch.
"These things even themselves out over the season" Redknapp reasoned, claiming that every team had more or less the same share of good and bad luck within the course of the nine month slog. That penalty you didn't get when your forward was blatantly chopped down? Well, hold off sprinting after the ref in disgust because next week you'll be given a goal that comes off a hand, and you won't give so much of a toss for justice, then.
Not all managers are as philosophical as Redknapp and refuse to see the light in favour of exhibiting the obvious conspiracy against them. Steve Bruce, for example, while manager of Sunderland in 2010-11, saw Arsenal have two goals incorrectly ruled out for offside at The Emirates and took away a nil-nil draw without complaint. Then, the very next week, he was moaning on about the ref costing his team a 2-0 defeat at home to Liverpool.
Mark Hughes is another one doused in ignorance, as regularly as night and day exercising the slack jaw, bemused frown and outstretched arms claiming yet another outrage against him. It's all one way according to him and Brucie. I'm sure it’s nothing to do with being managed by Alex Ferguson.
I might go further than Redknapp and add that the even-ing-out-over-a-season theory can sometimes become an even-ing out over the decades, sometimes involving exact opponents. For instance, England benefited from a goal that hit the crossbar and didn't cross the line in the 1966 World Cup against West Germany and then, 44 years later, when England did definitely put the ball over the line in-off the crossbar against the rebranded Germany, the goal wasn't given. Where Geoff Hurst's strike turned 2-2 into 3-2, Frank Lampard's wasn't allowed to turn 1-2 into 2-2. Perhaps if Lamps had stayed at West Ham it would have counted. Further proof that his decision to leave Redknapp's Hammers for Chelsea in 2001 was a cursed move.
What we have in the present day is Redknapp's assertion continually realised but in technological form. VAR has, in just half a season, shown that while some clubs may get the VAR rub of the green one week, they will likely be it's victim the next. Tottenham Hotspur, for instance, were denied a likely match-sealing second goal at Leicester in September thanks to their lively employee, Son Heong Min, being caught blatantly level with the last outfield defender. Going on to lose that game at the King Power Stadium, Son must have been nodding in righteous approval at the Tottenham Hotspur stadium this Saturday just gone, when Sheffield United were denied an equaliser thanks to the protruding toe of United's John Lundstram.
VAR supporters may point out that Sheff U got away with a foul in their penalty area on Arsenal defender Sokratis last month, but Arsenal fans now await equilibrium having suffered not just this incident but also Sokratis' incomprehensibly disallowed 'winner' at home to Crystal Palace last month. Sadly for this crop of Arsenal fans, given their team's infrequent visits to the penalty area, they may not see karma realised for a few seasons yet, perhaps decades even, as VAR looks for ways to 'even it up' for them.
"These things even themselves out over the season" Redknapp reasoned, claiming that every team had more or less the same share of good and bad luck within the course of the nine month slog. That penalty you didn't get when your forward was blatantly chopped down? Well, hold off sprinting after the ref in disgust because next week you'll be given a goal that comes off a hand, and you won't give so much of a toss for justice, then.
Not all managers are as philosophical as Redknapp and refuse to see the light in favour of exhibiting the obvious conspiracy against them. Steve Bruce, for example, while manager of Sunderland in 2010-11, saw Arsenal have two goals incorrectly ruled out for offside at The Emirates and took away a nil-nil draw without complaint. Then, the very next week, he was moaning on about the ref costing his team a 2-0 defeat at home to Liverpool.
Mark Hughes is another one doused in ignorance, as regularly as night and day exercising the slack jaw, bemused frown and outstretched arms claiming yet another outrage against him. It's all one way according to him and Brucie. I'm sure it’s nothing to do with being managed by Alex Ferguson.
I might go further than Redknapp and add that the even-ing-out-over-a-season theory can sometimes become an even-ing out over the decades, sometimes involving exact opponents. For instance, England benefited from a goal that hit the crossbar and didn't cross the line in the 1966 World Cup against West Germany and then, 44 years later, when England did definitely put the ball over the line in-off the crossbar against the rebranded Germany, the goal wasn't given. Where Geoff Hurst's strike turned 2-2 into 3-2, Frank Lampard's wasn't allowed to turn 1-2 into 2-2. Perhaps if Lamps had stayed at West Ham it would have counted. Further proof that his decision to leave Redknapp's Hammers for Chelsea in 2001 was a cursed move.
What we have in the present day is Redknapp's assertion continually realised but in technological form. VAR has, in just half a season, shown that while some clubs may get the VAR rub of the green one week, they will likely be it's victim the next. Tottenham Hotspur, for instance, were denied a likely match-sealing second goal at Leicester in September thanks to their lively employee, Son Heong Min, being caught blatantly level with the last outfield defender. Going on to lose that game at the King Power Stadium, Son must have been nodding in righteous approval at the Tottenham Hotspur stadium this Saturday just gone, when Sheffield United were denied an equaliser thanks to the protruding toe of United's John Lundstram.
VAR supporters may point out that Sheff U got away with a foul in their penalty area on Arsenal defender Sokratis last month, but Arsenal fans now await equilibrium having suffered not just this incident but also Sokratis' incomprehensibly disallowed 'winner' at home to Crystal Palace last month. Sadly for this crop of Arsenal fans, given their team's infrequent visits to the penalty area, they may not see karma realised for a few seasons yet, perhaps decades even, as VAR looks for ways to 'even it up' for them.
Thursday, 24 October 2019
Four football things that aren't racist but are still bad (though not as bad obvs)
So, after the tedium and depressing events of the international break, we return to our beloved domestic bliss, only to get out into the light and remember that things are terrible here too, just not as racist (but give us time).https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/50048932
VAR
I won't bang on again about the latest comical examples this weekend (and Monday). My feelings on this one are clear, and though anyone who is against VAR runs the risk of being labelled a dinosaur, is technological inconsistency actually preferable to human inconsistency?
Robbie Savage
During 5 Live commentary of Manchester United v Liverpool (Sunday, 1-1), out-of-his-depth-but affordable co-commentator Savage tuned on commentator John Murray who'd dared to ponder whether, ahem, VAR, should have picked up on Liverpool's Divock Origi being fouled en route to United's opening goal.
"Was it clear and obvious?! Was it clear and obvious?! What is clear and obvious?!" Savage fired at Murray, like Alan Partridge speaking over his PA Lynn as she tries to talk him into buying a Mini Metro.
The normally mild-mannered Murray was clearly rattled, tersely stating "No, I understand that" in a restrained manner reminiscent of Guy Mowbray having his ear flicked metaphorically by Mark Lawrenson during 2010 World Cup and Ally McCoist being blatantly ignored by John Champion at Russia 2018.
Savage's return to BBC match punditry (telly excluded) suggests BBC's philosophy to copy ITV's provocation approach is still alive and kicking, although that still doesn't explain the re-emergence of Dion Dublin.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdaOo6OkP8E
Unreasonable (and unseasonable) kick off times
Hardly a new topic this, but notable for Amazon becoming the new player in mistreating match-going football fans. They have announced themselves on stage with a ground-breaking, train-station closing 8pm Boxing Day kick off for Liverpool fans to return home from after playing at Leicester. Fan group "Spirit of Shankly" say it's not too late to redeem the situation and return the kick off to the largely forgotten 3 o'clock slot.
My question is, do the TV companies and the Premier League even discuss the impact on supporters when negotiating these kick off times, or do they just assume they'll eventually swallow it and turn up to make all the atmosphere anyway? It's rarely said but the fans actually hold the power, it's just that they seem incapable of unleashing it in mass numbers. You will hear Alan Shearer often say that an effective "press" (the closing down of opponents, rather than the state of journalistic standards) means that the whole team "has to go" and hunt the ball back. This tactic applied to fans, in harnessing their power and being respected, means they need to "all not go" to these matches.
https://www.theguardian.com/football/2019/oct/17/leicester-v-liverpool-pushed-back-to-8pm-for-amazon-boxing-day-screening
Conor McNamara
Just when it seemed, fingers crossed, don't speak too soon, Norm was out of my life forever - as if the BBC Sport commissioner had finally caught up with the uncomfortable jolly Irishman's past commentaries including the massive fuss he made about "Son" scoring "on Mothers Day" (Bournemouth vs Spurs, March 2018), I go and click on Potters Bar v Barnet on iPlayer (FA Cup final qualifying round) and find his inimitable, overactive, intruding tone of voice setting both the scene and my temperature soaring.
If this match was a first step back to some kind of regretful Dublin-like redemption, then the venue was sadly overlooked by the Beeb execs.
"Potters Bar!Potters Bar!..talking of a bar, there was this time me and Claridge..."
VAR
I won't bang on again about the latest comical examples this weekend (and Monday). My feelings on this one are clear, and though anyone who is against VAR runs the risk of being labelled a dinosaur, is technological inconsistency actually preferable to human inconsistency?
Robbie Savage
During 5 Live commentary of Manchester United v Liverpool (Sunday, 1-1), out-of-his-depth-but affordable co-commentator Savage tuned on commentator John Murray who'd dared to ponder whether, ahem, VAR, should have picked up on Liverpool's Divock Origi being fouled en route to United's opening goal.
"Was it clear and obvious?! Was it clear and obvious?! What is clear and obvious?!" Savage fired at Murray, like Alan Partridge speaking over his PA Lynn as she tries to talk him into buying a Mini Metro.
The normally mild-mannered Murray was clearly rattled, tersely stating "No, I understand that" in a restrained manner reminiscent of Guy Mowbray having his ear flicked metaphorically by Mark Lawrenson during 2010 World Cup and Ally McCoist being blatantly ignored by John Champion at Russia 2018.
Savage's return to BBC match punditry (telly excluded) suggests BBC's philosophy to copy ITV's provocation approach is still alive and kicking, although that still doesn't explain the re-emergence of Dion Dublin.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdaOo6OkP8E
Unreasonable (and unseasonable) kick off times
Hardly a new topic this, but notable for Amazon becoming the new player in mistreating match-going football fans. They have announced themselves on stage with a ground-breaking, train-station closing 8pm Boxing Day kick off for Liverpool fans to return home from after playing at Leicester. Fan group "Spirit of Shankly" say it's not too late to redeem the situation and return the kick off to the largely forgotten 3 o'clock slot.
My question is, do the TV companies and the Premier League even discuss the impact on supporters when negotiating these kick off times, or do they just assume they'll eventually swallow it and turn up to make all the atmosphere anyway? It's rarely said but the fans actually hold the power, it's just that they seem incapable of unleashing it in mass numbers. You will hear Alan Shearer often say that an effective "press" (the closing down of opponents, rather than the state of journalistic standards) means that the whole team "has to go" and hunt the ball back. This tactic applied to fans, in harnessing their power and being respected, means they need to "all not go" to these matches.
https://www.theguardian.com/football/2019/oct/17/leicester-v-liverpool-pushed-back-to-8pm-for-amazon-boxing-day-screening
Conor McNamara
Just when it seemed, fingers crossed, don't speak too soon, Norm was out of my life forever - as if the BBC Sport commissioner had finally caught up with the uncomfortable jolly Irishman's past commentaries including the massive fuss he made about "Son" scoring "on Mothers Day" (Bournemouth vs Spurs, March 2018), I go and click on Potters Bar v Barnet on iPlayer (FA Cup final qualifying round) and find his inimitable, overactive, intruding tone of voice setting both the scene and my temperature soaring.
If this match was a first step back to some kind of regretful Dublin-like redemption, then the venue was sadly overlooked by the Beeb execs.
"Potters Bar!Potters Bar!..talking of a bar, there was this time me and Claridge..."
Friday, 18 October 2019
Football returns after two-week layoff
For someone like me who complains that the football season comes around too early, and gripes on and on that we don't get a chance to miss it, to appreciate it, to feel proper anticipation - that one season merely blurs into the next - the international break, when there is no football of any interest over the course of a week, might seem welcome.
But no, we have just had our second one of these, before even two months' domestic play of 2019-20, and this one was just as tedious as the last, depriving me of my right to catch the latest Premier League score on my phone (Prem, because that's where my teams plays) or hear a bit on the radio in between all the squabbling in my house, or at a wood. Not even England's defeat in the Czech Republic on Friday 11th could satisfy the yearning - although it did console me for a while.
Because England lost, I watched the highlights of the game in Prague, and learned that the 2-1 defeat was England's last qualifying reverse for either of the major tournaments in exactly ten years. I should countenance this with the fact that Clive "Anybody Arguing?" Tyldesley was delivering this information, and he has a history of inaccuracies, most famously from the Nou Camp in 1999 when he claimed that nobody cared where the Germans were when the Tyldesley-level popular Manchester United scored the last second winning goal in the Champions League Final against Bayern Munich.
The Czech game didn't matter, of course, because England could have lost to Bulgaria on Tuesday as well, and Kosovo in the match after, and still qualified for, er, everywhere, easily. We all know it is now harder not to qualify for the Euros or the World Cup than qualify. That a country who has only reached one Final in the history of the two big tournaments they can play are so unbeatable in qualifiers shows how meaningless the whole thing is.
Euro 2008 qualifying was much more like it (although I would say that, wouldn't I?). England, Russia and Croatia all in the same group, trying to get to a tournament holding 16 teams (one of those, or sometimes two, being the hosts). England ultimately failed to qualify for Euro 2008 in 1973-like fashion against the Croats at Wembley (although similarities edge towards the home goalkeeping error rather than any frantic onslaught on the opposition goalmouth) but shouldn't have been embarrassed. Yes, there were memorable losses of dignity along the way, including another goalie blooper against Croatia in Zagreb, this time Paul Robinson miskicking a Gary Neville back pass to seal defeat. Some say Mclaren's Rihanna moment at Wembley was Brent-worthy cringe, though he cleverly overshadowed it a a couple of months later with a public crack at contemporary Dutch. Ah, he’s going through a breakdown, poor lamb. Let’s not mention again.
The point is, that while both Croatia and Russia went through to Switzerland and Austia at England's expense, those two nations progressed to the quarter-final and semi-final respectively, so there was no shame in England's 3rd place, and while the disappointment and scapegoating was plentiful, the competitive aspect was never in doubt.
Both UEFA and FIFA have now ensured that this unsatisfactory state of affairs won't ever happen again.
But no, we have just had our second one of these, before even two months' domestic play of 2019-20, and this one was just as tedious as the last, depriving me of my right to catch the latest Premier League score on my phone (Prem, because that's where my teams plays) or hear a bit on the radio in between all the squabbling in my house, or at a wood. Not even England's defeat in the Czech Republic on Friday 11th could satisfy the yearning - although it did console me for a while.
Because England lost, I watched the highlights of the game in Prague, and learned that the 2-1 defeat was England's last qualifying reverse for either of the major tournaments in exactly ten years. I should countenance this with the fact that Clive "Anybody Arguing?" Tyldesley was delivering this information, and he has a history of inaccuracies, most famously from the Nou Camp in 1999 when he claimed that nobody cared where the Germans were when the Tyldesley-level popular Manchester United scored the last second winning goal in the Champions League Final against Bayern Munich.
The Czech game didn't matter, of course, because England could have lost to Bulgaria on Tuesday as well, and Kosovo in the match after, and still qualified for, er, everywhere, easily. We all know it is now harder not to qualify for the Euros or the World Cup than qualify. That a country who has only reached one Final in the history of the two big tournaments they can play are so unbeatable in qualifiers shows how meaningless the whole thing is.
Euro 2008 qualifying was much more like it (although I would say that, wouldn't I?). England, Russia and Croatia all in the same group, trying to get to a tournament holding 16 teams (one of those, or sometimes two, being the hosts). England ultimately failed to qualify for Euro 2008 in 1973-like fashion against the Croats at Wembley (although similarities edge towards the home goalkeeping error rather than any frantic onslaught on the opposition goalmouth) but shouldn't have been embarrassed. Yes, there were memorable losses of dignity along the way, including another goalie blooper against Croatia in Zagreb, this time Paul Robinson miskicking a Gary Neville back pass to seal defeat. Some say Mclaren's Rihanna moment at Wembley was Brent-worthy cringe, though he cleverly overshadowed it a a couple of months later with a public crack at contemporary Dutch. Ah, he’s going through a breakdown, poor lamb. Let’s not mention again.
The point is, that while both Croatia and Russia went through to Switzerland and Austia at England's expense, those two nations progressed to the quarter-final and semi-final respectively, so there was no shame in England's 3rd place, and while the disappointment and scapegoating was plentiful, the competitive aspect was never in doubt.
Both UEFA and FIFA have now ensured that this unsatisfactory state of affairs won't ever happen again.
Monday, 23 September 2019
VAR now sizing up manhood in their clampdown on onside
While Tottenham Hotspur's Son Hoeng-min was peeling away the parking notice that was stuck to his shirt at The King Power Stadium on Saturday afternoon, BBC's Alan Shearer (who has also been caught on camera breaking the law at the home of The Foxes) was preparing to soften his stance on VAR.
Originally a dissenter to video technology review (perhaps understandably), and then a supporter when facing charges of living in the past, Shearer appeared to waver on the latest edition of Match of The Day when video footage captured Son doing possibly, maybe - and certainly not clearly and obviously - excess of level with the last outfield defender, as his side appeared to go 2-0 up against the top six/four/three hopefuls.
"What we need, Gary, is a soft VAR. The VAR at present is too hard. In fact, why not call the whole shite'n thing off if it means I don't have to talk about it every week for the rest of the bollocking season?" This was the new whichever-way-the-wind-is-blowing conclusion Alan had reached, or at least seemed to. Some of the quoted words may not have happened, I was 'going under' at the time.
The identity of Son himself, as the victim of a system that charges forward in its mission to stand alongside Harald Schumacher, Andoni Goiketchea ('The Butcher of Bilbao'), Catenaccio and Osvaldo Zubeldia as the darkest of anti-football exponents, is a worrying sign for even the most willowy of forwards such as the South Korean. Should VAR have been around in the days of Alan Smith's and Ian Rush's noses, their impressive goal outputs would have been drastically reduced. Whereas in horse racing or sprinting you can win by a nose, in VAR world, an unfortunate protrusion is a key disadvantage that will be exploited by canny defenders.
Plastic surgery may become rife in the modern game, as teams look to seek out that 1% differential than can decide a result, although the mental side of a player's mind as well as physical will need to be considered. Former Premier League striker, Robbie Fowler, himself in the Rush nose mould, once said that scoring goals was "even better than sex", and for his counterparts of the VAR era, any such arousal as the goal - and VAR line - beckons, could have damaging consequences. So far pundits have joked about the "armpit" and "toe-nail" of straying forwards, but even for the most diligent, line-holding attackers, how soon before one of them becomes the victim of their own erection?
Originally a dissenter to video technology review (perhaps understandably), and then a supporter when facing charges of living in the past, Shearer appeared to waver on the latest edition of Match of The Day when video footage captured Son doing possibly, maybe - and certainly not clearly and obviously - excess of level with the last outfield defender, as his side appeared to go 2-0 up against the top six/four/three hopefuls.
"What we need, Gary, is a soft VAR. The VAR at present is too hard. In fact, why not call the whole shite'n thing off if it means I don't have to talk about it every week for the rest of the bollocking season?" This was the new whichever-way-the-wind-is-blowing conclusion Alan had reached, or at least seemed to. Some of the quoted words may not have happened, I was 'going under' at the time.
The identity of Son himself, as the victim of a system that charges forward in its mission to stand alongside Harald Schumacher, Andoni Goiketchea ('The Butcher of Bilbao'), Catenaccio and Osvaldo Zubeldia as the darkest of anti-football exponents, is a worrying sign for even the most willowy of forwards such as the South Korean. Should VAR have been around in the days of Alan Smith's and Ian Rush's noses, their impressive goal outputs would have been drastically reduced. Whereas in horse racing or sprinting you can win by a nose, in VAR world, an unfortunate protrusion is a key disadvantage that will be exploited by canny defenders.
Plastic surgery may become rife in the modern game, as teams look to seek out that 1% differential than can decide a result, although the mental side of a player's mind as well as physical will need to be considered. Former Premier League striker, Robbie Fowler, himself in the Rush nose mould, once said that scoring goals was "even better than sex", and for his counterparts of the VAR era, any such arousal as the goal - and VAR line - beckons, could have damaging consequences. So far pundits have joked about the "armpit" and "toe-nail" of straying forwards, but even for the most diligent, line-holding attackers, how soon before one of them becomes the victim of their own erection?
Wednesday, 18 September 2019
Football fairness at the BBC "Where are you?!"
The BBC are today fighting a claim that they tried to sabotage the celebrations of newly promoted Premier League team Norwich City, following their 3-2 home win over celebrated fossil-fuel perpetrators Manchester City, in the Premier League on Saturday (September 14th).
Within hours of the Canaries' faith-restoring backside-booting of the oil-dealing outfit, the opening act of Beeb vengeance began with Five Live's Alistair-Bruce-Ball urging fans of Norwich to appear on his knee-jerkathon 606 show, saying "If ever there was a time for Norwich City fans to ring 606 it's tonight". The claim against Ball is in his apparent assumption that people from Norwich, or followers of Norwich, are too stupid to have heard of pubs, or have any friends or family to rejoice with instead, and, therefore, being that stupid, are fair game to clog up the post-match airwaves with all the other mouth-breathers who choose this forum to share their deluded words with people they don't know. This is the gist of the claim being made against the BBC.
The BBC has fought back against the 606/Bruce-Ball episode, arguing that, should any Norwich supporters have been successful in getting through to the show, they would have been sharing their heightened emotions with former good striker of their club, Chris Sutton, whose partnership with Bruce-Ball has, if not eclipsed his playing one with Alan Shearer, then shown sufficient promise to be shortlisted as a possible last minute stand-in for Ant and Dec on any one of their ITV standard productions.
While the claimant is prepared to review the 606 complaint, there appears no wriggle room, pending a large Abu Dhabi cheque - or maybe a dart in the eye - in "respects of" (come on Wrighty, enough now) Exhibit 2. Having unexpectedly shown the three Norwich goals against the anti-inclusion City on the MOTD 2 highlights programme on Sunday night, presenter Mark Chapman appeared to innocently placate any Norwich fans who might have been feeling disgruntled over the allocated experts Jermaine Jenas and Martin Keown focusing their analysis solely on the City associated with misogyny and disappearing.
"Hold on, Norwich fans!" Chapman urged, "We have a special ending to the show coming up for you" (paraphrasing). But when it came, this "celebration" of the budget-defying triumph was nothing more than a disturbing re-mix of their celebrity owner Delia Smith's not-drunk on-pitch half time speech on the previous occasion that her team had been 2-0 up against a pre-devil courtship City in February 2005.
This footage not only awoke Norwich fans from their moment of euphoria and plunged them back to a time they are fighting to forget every single day of their lives, but also came from a night when the other City beat them, "as the BBC knew all too well", the claimant said, adding "clearly when Chapman promised Norwich fans a treat, he actually meant everyone but Norwich fans".
The BBC have again denied allegations of wrongdoing and preferential treatment of the modern Manchester City.
"This is nonsense", said a well-paid spokesperson, probably a man; "To say we deliberately shoehorned in a City win at Carrow Road to redress the balance are the words of a person living in a warped reality. People may say there was a Manchester City before Sheik Mansoor, but we had no absolutely no interest in the club before 2008.
The dispute continues...
Within hours of the Canaries' faith-restoring backside-booting of the oil-dealing outfit, the opening act of Beeb vengeance began with Five Live's Alistair-Bruce-Ball urging fans of Norwich to appear on his knee-jerkathon 606 show, saying "If ever there was a time for Norwich City fans to ring 606 it's tonight". The claim against Ball is in his apparent assumption that people from Norwich, or followers of Norwich, are too stupid to have heard of pubs, or have any friends or family to rejoice with instead, and, therefore, being that stupid, are fair game to clog up the post-match airwaves with all the other mouth-breathers who choose this forum to share their deluded words with people they don't know. This is the gist of the claim being made against the BBC.
The BBC has fought back against the 606/Bruce-Ball episode, arguing that, should any Norwich supporters have been successful in getting through to the show, they would have been sharing their heightened emotions with former good striker of their club, Chris Sutton, whose partnership with Bruce-Ball has, if not eclipsed his playing one with Alan Shearer, then shown sufficient promise to be shortlisted as a possible last minute stand-in for Ant and Dec on any one of their ITV standard productions.
While the claimant is prepared to review the 606 complaint, there appears no wriggle room, pending a large Abu Dhabi cheque - or maybe a dart in the eye - in "respects of" (come on Wrighty, enough now) Exhibit 2. Having unexpectedly shown the three Norwich goals against the anti-inclusion City on the MOTD 2 highlights programme on Sunday night, presenter Mark Chapman appeared to innocently placate any Norwich fans who might have been feeling disgruntled over the allocated experts Jermaine Jenas and Martin Keown focusing their analysis solely on the City associated with misogyny and disappearing.
"Hold on, Norwich fans!" Chapman urged, "We have a special ending to the show coming up for you" (paraphrasing). But when it came, this "celebration" of the budget-defying triumph was nothing more than a disturbing re-mix of their celebrity owner Delia Smith's not-drunk on-pitch half time speech on the previous occasion that her team had been 2-0 up against a pre-devil courtship City in February 2005.
This footage not only awoke Norwich fans from their moment of euphoria and plunged them back to a time they are fighting to forget every single day of their lives, but also came from a night when the other City beat them, "as the BBC knew all too well", the claimant said, adding "clearly when Chapman promised Norwich fans a treat, he actually meant everyone but Norwich fans".
The BBC have again denied allegations of wrongdoing and preferential treatment of the modern Manchester City.
"This is nonsense", said a well-paid spokesperson, probably a man; "To say we deliberately shoehorned in a City win at Carrow Road to redress the balance are the words of a person living in a warped reality. People may say there was a Manchester City before Sheik Mansoor, but we had no absolutely no interest in the club before 2008.
The dispute continues...
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