A disgusted Morrissey, whose sense of fun has, according to friends, been largely absent since being overlooked for the starring role on Doctor Who in 2013, groaned that "flights have been cancelled" for the club's eagerly anticipated warm weather training break, mumbling bitterly "now we have to go there [The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium}".
Moaned Morrissey, ‘This goal by Sofiane - only his second in 18 f***ing months by the way - does nothing to help us finish between 14th-17th in the Premier League, and I'll be reminding him of his responsibilities to the fans. If you asked them what would they prefer, a chance of getting to Wembley in this "FA Cup" or consolidation as a lower-table established Premier League team, I think there would be only one answer.’
When pressed on the joy that the club's 1976 FA Cup Final win over Manchester United gave the Southampton supporters, Morrissey was prosaic. ‘If things had turned out differently, I could have gone back in time and done something about that: I'd have looked every one of those celebrating fans in the eye and lectured them out of the fun they seemed to think they were having. Sometimes fans don't understand the game and need to be educated. Arseholes!’
Pushed on the wisdom of dubbing the club's supporters "arseholes", Morrissey nearly lost control of his passive-aggression.
‘The BBC!", he said through gritted teeth. ‘I mean the BBC! They picked Capaldi didn't they?!’
Although Morrissey - real name Ralph Hasenhuttl - insists that his club's Premier League drudgery has to be protected, sources close to the club believe that Cup replays remind him of sequels, and that he is still scarred by the memory of his role in Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, the 2006 follow up to the 1992 original. While Paul Verhoeven's first offering provided a Box Office smash and worldwide acclaim for Sharon Stone, the second was made without Verhoeven and casted Stan Collymore. Morrissey has remained quiet on his involvement in the universally panned BA2:RA, but rumours persist that privately he felt duped by the whole affair, believing that the appearances of Collymore and an 'S Stone' made for an interesting film project on Nottingham Forest in the 90's. Morrissey understood that he was to be cast as Frank Clark, but instead played a sex therapist driven literally mad by his lust for Stone (Sharon), who'd already seen off Collymore in the opening scene (some film goers suggesting that the ex forward's demise after two minutes was barely longer than his career at Bradford City).
Associates of Morrissey ask for respect and privacy at this difficult time, while understanding that during the replay they are powerless to prevent a cigarette-smoking Jose Mourinho repeatedly uncrossing his legs from the dugout.
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